You show up at your parent's home for the holidays. You haven’t seen them in person in a while, but you try to talk to them on the phone every day. You have never been worried about your parents, but after a few hours at their house with them, you can’t help but have concerns. Mom forgets what she is doing during small tasks and Dad always uses furniture to help him walk around. When you checked the kitchen, you didn’t find anything to eat that wasn’t expired.
It’s slightly nerve-wracking. Your parents never mentioned anything about this during your phone calls. Why didn’t they tell you? Do they think they are fine? What’s next? What will happen when you go back home?
It can be challenging to know when aging loved ones need our help, whether we live states away or in the next room. Sometimes our loved ones are not upfront about the problems they are experiencing because they do not want to cause worry or admit they are struggling — they may not even be aware there is anything wrong.
Recognizing the signs that a loved one needs extra support is the first step in getting them the help they need.
While around your older loved ones this holiday season keep an eye out for out-of-the-ordinary behavior — a change in mood or personality, confusion, weight loss, a messy home, or dirty appearance. Look out for a lack of social engagement when around the family. Are your loved ones keeping more to themselves this year? Do they get frustrated or annoyed at things that never used to bother them?
If you do find cause for concern, it is time to have a conversation. It is important to stay compassionate and patient and remember this is a big change for them as well. Mention you are worried, but try not to sound judgmental. Say something like, “Dad, you don’t have much food in the house. Are you having trouble getting to the store?”
Next, try to fulfill your loved one’s wishes as best as you can. Dad may want to keep cooking for himself, so you could set up groceries to be delivered, but sometimes the solution isn’t that easy. Dad may still want to cook for himself but has trouble remembering to turn off the stove. In this case, pre-prepared food may be a better option as he can heat the meals in the microwave instead of using the stove.
“One of the things that makes it stressful is that people wait to have hard conversations until they are sort of imminent, and decline is happening,” said Louise Aronson, a geriatrician, and professor of medicine at the University of California, San Francisco, during a recent discussion on KQED public radio. “And so the person who is declining is feeling more threatened. If you begin sooner, then they’re more part of the process, and they feel a sense of control.”
This can be a difficult time for you and your loved ones as you figure out what works best for your family. It can be overwhelming to suddenly become a caregiver so it is important to take care of your own well-being while supporting your loved ones. Make sure to schedule regular time for yourself, whether it’s through hobbies, exercise, or simply relaxing. Seeking professional help, such as counseling or therapy, can be beneficial for managing stress and maintaining your mental health. Balancing caregiving responsibilities with self-care ensures you can provide the best support for your loved ones while also taking care of yourself.
November is National Family Caregiver Month — a month to recognize that being a caregiver, especially for a loved one is physically and emotionally draining and takes hard work. However, that does not mean this is your battle alone. JABA has many support services for caregivers like support groups to vent and get advice, Aging Services Coordinators who can help with your loved one's needs, or JABA Respite & Enrichment Centers (JREC) which provide a safe, uplifting environment during the week for adults with dementia or other disabilities so caregivers can have much-needed respite.
Ty Mynes is a writer and marketing specialist at JABA.. This story originally appeared in C-Ville Weekly.